Starting a mentoring relationship is an exciting step, but like any significant partnership, its long-term success hinges on the quality of its beginning. Those initial interactions between a mentor and mentee are not just formalities; they are the bedrock upon which trust is built and shared expectations are set.
For anyone starting a mentorship, giving deliberate thought to how you want to present yourself and the process can transform the experience from merely beneficial to truly transformational.
That is why we created this guide- to provide some practical steps for both mentors and mentees, so that they can approach their first session with confidence.
Wider Context: Transferable Skills
The skills you use to establish a great mentoring relationship based on trust and safety, are highly transferable and will boost your effectiveness in other professional and personal settings.
As Forbes describe, “The solution to the challenge of building and consistently maintaining trust lies in cultivating an authentic personal brand. Trust can only be built on a foundation of authenticity, integrity and transparency. Your actions and words need to align with your values, thus building your credibility.”
When you practice these approaches in the context of mentoring, you are essentially training yourself to be a more effective communicator and partner in any situation.
The Mentor’s Approach: Laying the Foundation of Safety and Clarity
As a mentor, your primary goal in the initial stages is to create a safe, non-judgemental space and to clarify the scope of the relationship. Everything in mentorship needs to come under the umbrella of trust and safety. Establishing this from the start allows both you and your mentee to build rapport and break down barriers.
Practical Steps for Mentors
1. Preparation: Define Your Personal Mentoring Approach
Before your first meeting, take a moment to reflect on why you are mentoring and how you prefer to work.
- Determine Boundaries: What time commitment can you realistically offer? How quickly will you respond to emails? Which topics are outside your area of expertise?
- Identify Your Style: Are you a challenger, a sounding board, a connector, a guide, or a combination? Having a sense of your preferred style allows you to explain it clearly.
2. The First Conversation: Invitation and Discovery
It is always important to remember that mentoring is fundamentally mentee led. With this in mind, start the conversation by inviting the mentee to share and explore their reasons for engaging with this mentorship.
| Key opening lines | Purpose |
| “Thank you for reaching out. What were you hoping to gain from having a mentor, and what made you choose this time to seek one?” | This immediately shifts the focus to the mentee’s motivation and goals. |
| “My goal is to support you in achieving your aspirations, not to tell you what to do. How do you feel you learn best?” | Establishes the relationship as mentee-driven and clarifies your supportive role. |
| “To make sure we both get the most from this, I usually set aside X time every Y weeks, and I ask that we both prepare an agenda. Does that sound workable for you?” | Sets clear, practical expectations regarding frequency and accountability from the outset. |
3. Proactive Trust-Building and Transparency
Share relevant, brief details about yourself, including challenges you have faced rather than just your successes.
Tip: Instead of saying, “I succeeded by doing X,” try, “I struggled with Y early in my career, and here’s one lesson I learned from failing.” This models openness and reassures the mentee that it’s safe to share their own issues.
The Mentee’s Approach: Demonstrating Commitment and Focus
As a mentee, particularly at the start of the partnership, it is important to demonstrate respect for the mentor’s time, be proactive in driving the agenda, and articulate your needs clearly. This active engagement is a powerful signal of your commitment, which in turn enables the mentor to more effectively support you.
Practical Steps for Mentees
1. Preparation: Know Your Why and What
Do your homework on your own development needs and on the mentor’s background to assess the match and have at least a rough idea of how they could help you.
- Define Your Goals: Be able to articulate 1–3 specific, measurable goals for the mentoring relationship. Example: Instead of “Be a better leader,” try “Develop a strategy for giving effective feedback to my team by Q3.”
- Prepare an Agenda Draft: Have 2–3 questions ready that are specific, requiring insight based on experience rather than just factual information (which you could Google for yourself).
- Identify Your Preferred Pace: Are you looking for quick check-ins, or deep dives? What would be a realistic time commitment? Be sure to share this preference.
2. The First Conversation: Respectful and Goal-Oriented
Approach the mentor as a valuable partner, not a passive advice-giver.
| Key opening line | Purpose |
| “Thank you for committing your time to this. I’ve done some research on your career and I’m particularly keen to hear your perspective on [Specific Area].” | Shows preparation and respect, confirming you value their specific expertise. |
| “My primary goal right now is [Goal 1]. Could we perhaps use our first two sessions to explore [Specific Topic]? I’ve prepared a draft agenda for us to review.” | Demonstrates proactive ownership of the process and respect for the mentor’s time. |
| “I understand you prefer [Mentor’s communicated style]. To help you best support me, what are the three pieces of information I should always bring to our sessions?” | Clarifies the mentor’s needs and sets you up to be a highly effective partner. |
3. Proactive Trust-Building: Accountability
Trust is built when you demonstrate that you act on the mentor’s input.
Tip: Even in the first session, commit to a small, specific action item and report back on it in your follow-up email (or the start of the next meeting). Example: “I’ll create the project proposal draft this week, using the framework you suggested.” Following through shows you are serious about your development.
A Note on Safety and Support
While the focus of a mentorship is mutual learning and growth, it is essential to remember that you are never alone.
Most established mentorship programmes, including the one supported by The Mentoring School, operate under specific policies and processes. These are in place to ensure the safety and ethical conduct of everyone involved.
- Clear Boundaries: Organisations have guidelines on appropriate conduct, communication channels, and frequency of contact.
- Confidentiality Limits: While mentoring is confidential, all participants should be aware that there are limits (e.g., safeguarding issues, illegal activity) that necessitate breaking confidentiality.
- Intervention and Support: If at any point the relationship feels uncomfortable, unproductive, or if boundaries are crossed, both the mentor and the mentee have the right- and should feel safe- to seek outside support.
- Know Who to Contact: Be aware of the designated person or team (e.g., a Programme Manager, HR liaison, or Head of Mentoring) who can be approached for advice or to request a mediation or intervention.
Trust is built not just between two people, but on the assurance that there is an impartial system available to support and protect the partnership when needed. Do not hesitate to familiarise yourself with the programme’s specific guidelines and the support channels available to you.
Conclusion: Start as You Mean to Go On
The way that a mentorship begins is critical and deserves an investment of time and thought. By taking proactive steps, from preparing specific agendas to setting crystal-clear boundaries, both mentors and mentees signal respect, build immediate trust, and establish a constructive rhythm.
Remember, the goal is not just to have a few good meetings, but to create a robust, resilient partnership that can withstand challenges and deliver meaningful, long-term growth. Start as you mean to go on.
To find about what training is available for mentors and mentees, be sure to check out our Course Catalogue.